Sometimes I Forget I'm Not Ok

This past weekend, I overdid it. When it comes to treasure hunting, I just can't help myself. 7 truck loads of furniture and other goodies in two days. Mid century stereo consoles, peacock couches, beautifully embroidered Asian silk robes. I was like a kid at Christmas.

But then the next day (and the day after) I felt like I was hit by a truck. I couldn't move. I spent two gorgeous, sunny days inside sleeping. Sometimes I forget that I'm not operating at 100%. Ideally, I would love to be patient with myself. Realistically, I push myself too hard and then even when I'm playing catch up, I get down on myself for wasting away two beautiful days when I could've pulled out and set up all of the patio furniture and started cleaning out the garage.

Even now, it is Owen's naptime. I could (and should) be taking advantage of that cardinal rule: sleep when the baby sleeps. But here I am, writing a blog post. Why? If anything, I should be writing an article for the Reno Tahoe Tonight's fast-approaching deadline.

To do lists. Deadlines. Why do we feel this need to be DOING something all the time and if we're not then something is wrong with us? We must be lazy if we need to rest or unplug for a day, right?

At Camp Out Yonder, we did this great journaling workshop led by Jonas Ellison. One exercise really struck me. Stream of consciousness. Even if you don't know what to write or where to start, just go. Don't let your pencil leave the page. It was amazing that what started out as nonsense quickly morphed into deep-seated fears, struggles and raw thoughts taking form on lined paper. These things I didn't know were plaguing me became tangible as soon as I could see them with my eyes instead of just swirling around in the back of my head.

Lodro Rinzler, author of The Buddha Walks Into A Bar and other modern day meditation and mindful living books, told us an interesting analogy during a fireside chat at Camp Out Yonder. He said that as a kid, he would go down to his basement with a flashlight. It was dark and scary. But the more he went down there and shone his flashlight on dubious looking objects, he realized that there wasn't as much to be afraid of. Scary monsters become everyday items when we shine our flashlights and take the time to figure out what they really are. Sub in our minds for dark basements. The more we become familiar with our minds and shine our flashlights on those nefarious thoughts, the less they scare us.

Perhaps the purpose of this post is to shine my flashlight on this feeling of impatience and put these words out in the open to realize that it's ok to take it easy on myself. Healing takes time. Even though I'm feeling much better mentally, my body is still playing catch up. And that's ok.

Update: As I was writing this post and inserting the link to Jonas's Medium page, I serendipitously came across this post. How kismet!