Even Though I’m Not Ok, I’m Ok.

Photos by  Ali Denney

Photos by Ali Denney

It has come to my attention that maybe I’m guilty of the opposite of the typical Facebookland status quo lately: I am blurting out all of my vulnerabilities, insecurities and fears and not telling you all about the positive stuff--the growth, the discoveries, the connections that are born out of these learning opportunities.

I guess it’s kind of like the news. There are very few news reports recounting all of the good deeds happening in the world. For me, if things are going well, I don’t feel like stopping what I’m doing to write a blog post about it: I want to enjoy it! That’s why you haven’t heard much from me through this process, and when you do, it’s maybe not the best stuff: at those times, I just need that cathartic release of venting the struggles.

Rest assured that even though I’m not ok, I’m ok. I’m not 100%, but I’m getting there. I’ve been discovering so many amazing connections through my vulnerability. As much as it saddens me to say it, we all feel like this to some extent or another, and people are starving for an outlet. It’s become apparent to me that we’ve become accustomed to our social media connections parading around as true human connections, and they obviously fall short. People are so disillusioned by their feeling of connectedness through these superficial means that when I or someone else writes something real, they respond in droves. I’ve received comments, emails, handwritten letters, flowers, painted rocks and many other forms of support from people who have taken time out of their busy lives to respond in a real way. To tell me that they needed to hear what I had to say. So that’s why I write what I write.

These posts weren’t meant to worry you; they were meant to reach out to you, to start a conversation and make a real connection. To let you know that you are not alone.

That being said, hope and evolution are the next steps in this journey. I’m saying to you now, yes, things can suck, but it’s ok: help is on the way. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve been finding so much beauty and joy just in rolling around on the floor with Owen, reading him books, and when the weather is nice, eating breakfast outside. I’ve been trying to take more time for myself. I have been better about setting reasonable goals for what I can accomplish in a day and try not to beat myself up when I can’t get everything done. I’ve been trying to disconnect from technology as much as my business allows.

I’ve even figured out how to actually meditate! That ‘clear your mind’ garbage was not for me. I have realized that I need an active, imaginative meditation. Would you like a little peek into my mind?

I imagine vines (like the beautiful ones that Kim Allcock from Henna Blessings did on my head) growing from my core and breaking through every single rough layer of the earth to reach the very center. There’s an expansive cave there filled with a myriad of little gold plates with names engraved on them and under them, a socket. I find my name and my vines plug in. A jolt of earth energy zips back up my vine conductors and replenishes me while keeping me grounded and connected to the earth at the same time. I try to feel the energy pulse through every part of my body. Then to top it off, if I see that my husband or my sisters or my friends are unplugged, I simply plug in their vines as well.

I’ve been realizing that I depend a lot on the energy from the sun. All of these cloudy days this winter/spring have been sucking my energy. Connecting through the earth has been a good way to combat the partly cloudy blues. I even did a spontaneous 3 mile barefoot hike with a dear friend through the Calistoga Hills that recharged me for days.

See, I think the main problem I (and I would guess we all) get caught up in is not expressing ourselves for fear of what others will think. It runs so deep that if you take a step back, it is completely irrational. Who cares if I’m hiking barefoot or letting my imaginary vines plug in to the center of the earth?

What other things that would make us feel more alive are we not doing because we don’t want other people to think we’re crazy?

When was the last time you let go enough to free form dance around in a room without caring what anyone thought of you? For me, it was many, many years ago on Cortez Island. The amazing Shelia Ledrew who is an phenomenal artist/goddess/free spirit invited me up to a tiny hippy island where community classes consisted of things like a free-for-all dance experience accompanied by a didgeridoo. At first, my friend Erin and I were super self-conscious, perhaps even judging these people who were moving to the music in whatever way they felt called to—rolling on the floor, jumping ecstatically or just swaying. By the end, we were doing the same, and I think that we had never felt so free in our entire lives. And no. one. cared.


We didn’t care that we may have looked ridiculous. We didn’t care that anyone passing by would have thought WTF is happening in there with those possessed crystal Twinkie people. And it was the best feeling ever! Why do we deprive ourselves of this freedom? Even after having that experience, I hesitate to scream at the top of my lungs and jump and frolic in the woods even if I’m by myself! WHY?!

I haven’t figured out the answer to that question yet, but I’m working on it.

So if you see me walking around town tapping on my third eye (we’ll get more into EFT later if you’re interested in another type of active mediation that has been helping me A LOT) or frolicking around in the forest like a damn crazy person, I know your first reaction will be to judge me, but once you get past that, maybe you should join me.

I would be ecstatic to have an accomplice in being free, childlike, silly and overwhelmed with joy!